Deep in the swamps of Southern Louisiana three men stopped their car and watched a small boy fishing in a roadside lake. One of the men said, “Boy, are there any snakes in the water?”
“Naw, sir, they sure ain’t,” replied the lad slowly.
The three men left their clothes on the bank and all had a refreshing swim. After dressing , one of the men asked the boy, “How come there aren’t any snakes in the lake?”
“The alligator ate’m,” replied the boy.
Judge: “How on earth did you manage to seal the purse in his inside pocket?”
Prisoner (hesitatingly) : “Well, your honour. I charge 25 rupees for a single demonstration. If you are willing, come to the theater tomorrow for the noon show. I’ll show you.”
“Do you play a musical instrument?”
“Not away from home.”
“At home, What do you play ?”
“Second Fiddle.”
Judge : “Have you ever been in trouble before?”
Gangster : “Only once, you honour, when I robbed my kid brother’s bank.”
Judge : “Well, now, that couldn’t have been too serious.”
Police man : “I’d better explain, your honor, that his younger brother is a president of the Reliable National Bank.
“Are you a friend of the bridge or the groom?” asked the usher of a guest at a formal church wedding.
“I’m a friend of both,” the lady replied.
Said the usher :”I’m sorry, Madam, but you’ll just have to choose a side. You see, I haven’t any instructions on where to seat neutrals.”
A young man was about to be disqualified for active army service in Canada, because of bad eyesight. To over-come this difficulty, the man spent his spare time memorizing the army eye chart. At his next physical examination he read the chart perfectly. Then he leaned forward ostentatiously and said “At the bottom I think it says, “Made in Canada,”.
“Fantastic !” said the doctor “Actually, it says that on the back of the chart.”
The fisher man had hard luck and on his way home he entered a fish store and asked the dealer. “Just stand where you are and throw me five of the biggest fish you have in a place.”
“But why throw?” asked the dealer in amazement.
“So that I can tell my family I caught them,” replied the fisherman. “I may be a poor fisher man but I’m not a liar.”
A lawyer who finally settled a very involved estate case was telling some of his colleagues all the details. It was a tough fight all the way,” he concluded.
“The heirs got almost as much as I did.”
A patient nervously approached a doctor. “Sir, I feel an itching sensation inside my tummy.”
The doctor said, “I have type to operate on your tummy.”
“What is the need for operation, doctor?”
“I’ll have to take out the inside part of your stomach and scratch where it itches.”
Sir C. P. Ramaswamy Iyer was offered a Judge’s post. He declined it saying ” I can talk nonsense for an hour or two, but I cannot listen to nonsense for hours together.”
English Jokes - a compilation by CRM 