Winston Churchill and George Bernard Shaw had many battles of wit. Shaw sent two tickets for a performance of his play and wrote “One ticket is for you, and other is for your friend, if you have any.”
Churchill wrote back, “Dear Shaw ., I regret that I will not be able to attend the performance. I’ll certainly attend the second performance of the play, if there will be any!”
Stalin wanted to know how his secret service was functioning. He took up some small cards and wrote some slogans on them like “Stalin is a liar, Stalin is a crook” and “Stalin is a bastard”, so on. He went into the street of Moscow and threw them here and there.
Later in the evening, the chief of security called and placed the cards on Stalin table. Stalin feigned surprise and said, “Do you know who has done this?
The chief replied “You yourself, Sir.”
Stalin asked him,” How did you find that out?”
The Chief gravely replied, “Who else will have the courage to speak the truth about you, Sir?”
Thomas Edison was felicitated for inverting phonograph, the ‘talking machine’ . The chairman went on talking about it ad nauseam.
Edison arose and began his talk, “I thank the Gentleman for his kind remarks, but I must make a correction. God invented the talking machine I only invented the first one that can be shut off.”
President Calvin Coolidge was a man of few words. He never made long speeches. Once when he was at a party, a lady approached him and said, “Mr.President , I made a bet with my friend that I would make you speak at least three words. Please see that I win the bet.”
“You lose,” Coolidge replied.
Einstein never bothered to put on good clothes, He was generally shabbily dressed. Once he went to a restaurant, To his dismay, he found that he had forgotten to bring his glasses, So he called the waiter and asked him to read the menu card.
The waiter hesitated for a few minutes and said, “Like you, I too do not know how to read, Sir.”
Some one asked Mrs. Albert Einstein if she understood her husband’s theory of Relativity.
“No,” she said, “I do not understand it. But what is more important to me, I understand Mr. Einstien.”
There was a feud between two newspaper of New York – Sun and Post. One day the ‘Post’ lost its temper and called the Sun a ‘Yellow dog.’
The Sun replied, in its starchiest manner. “The Post calls the Sun a yellow dog. The attitude of the Sun, however will continue to be that of any dog towards any post.”
A Lady came over the phone.” Three boys are trying to break into my apartment through the window.”
“Listen, lady, this is not the Police Department. It is the fire station.”
“I Know, she replied, “but my apartment is in on the second floor and they need a ladder.”
The farmer was interviewed by the magazine.
“Are you neighbours honest?” asked the reporter.
“They certainly are,” said the farmer.
“Then, why the gun?”
“Oh, that keeps them honest.”
Proudly, the scientist announced to his wife, “I’ve got a big surprise for your birthday.”
“How wonderful !” What is it?”
“I’ve named a virus after you.”
English Jokes - a compilation by CRM 