The young bride was having her new house decorated, and she noticed where her husband left a hand – print on a freshly painted wall. She slipped into filmy negligee, and called the painter who was working downstairs.
“Pardon me, but would you like to see where my husband put his hand last night?”
“I’d love to, lady, but I’ve got to get done with this painting first.”

A lovely young thing entered a doctor’s office in her lunch hour, and addressed a handsome young man in a white coat.
“I’ve had a pain in my shoulder for a week. Can you help me?” she asked.
“Lie down on this table,” he said, “and I’ll massage it for you.”
“After a few minutes, the beautiful patient exclaimed, “Doctor, that isn’t my shoulder !”
The young man smiled, and replied. “No, and I’m not a doctor either. “

“I have invented a Computer that’s almost human!”
“How’s that? Can it think ?”
“No, but when it makes a mistake it can put the blame on some other computer.”

“What’s your age, Madam ?”
“I’ve seen thirty – one summers.”
“How many years were you blind?”

One drunk to another: “The Americans were the first to land on the moon, but I’ll be the first to land on the sun.”
“But …..”
I know what you are going to say …. “but I’m going at night.”

A famous musicians was cornered by a group of ladies. He tried to get
away by lighting cigar. The women were annoyed by the smoke, one of
them said reproachfully “A gentlemen doesn’t smoke in the presence
of ladies.”
The musician replied sweetly, “Ladies, where there are angels there
must be clouds.”

A correspondent asked a famous man, how he arranged to seat the notables who attended his dinner parties.
“I don’t bother about who sits where,” he replied, “Those who matter, don’t matter.

A section-head was asked by the officer to explain why a report was in error. “Sir,” he said, ” you have to understand that I have four idiots working for me.”
The officer looked up from his desk and said, “you are lucky. I have five idiots working for me.”

The students were full of praise for the Dean for his organisation of hostel. The secretary of the students union wrote a laudatory article and concluded it with “And I must not forget to thank our Dean, the man responsible for this mess.”

Wife : “What do you mean by getting in at this hour?”
Drunk : ” It’s all the right, my love, I just hurried home because
I thought you must be lonesome, but I see your twin sisters are staying with you.”