A man’s mother came to visit him in the rural community where he had settled.
“They’re nice people here,” she said one day. I don’t see why you should complain about the neighbours. The man down the road asked about you-to-day. He said you had been ill lately. Is he a friend of yours ?”
“No, mother, ” the man gravely said, “He is the local undertaker.”

“Why was the Mayor so mad about the report of his resignation,”
“They put it under Public Improvement”

Doctor : ” I am sorry, but your wife’s mind has Completely gone.”
Doctor, “I’m not surprised. She has been giving a piece of it to me everyday for the last 20 years.”

“Patrick,” said the priest, “Whisky is your worst enemy.”
“But father,” said Pat. “Wasn’t it only last Sunday that you were telling us to love your enemies ?”
“I was, ” said the priest, “but i didn’t say anything about swallowing them.”

A man to friend, after several rounds of drinks at a cocktail party :
” Henry, don’t take another cocktail. Your face is already getting blurred.”

On a monsoon day, when the rain was particularly heavy, the management decided to allow women staff and those who lived in the suburbs to leave before closing time. The circular which was sent around the office put it this way: “Those who wear skirts and those who live in outskirts are allowed to go early today.”

“Want to buy a wrist watch?”
“Yes, show it to me.”
“Don’t shout. The man next to me is still wearing it.”

The boss called the office manager in and thrust a letter under his
nose.
“Look at that! I told you to engage a new stenographer on the basis of
her grammar!”
The manager looked startled. “Grammar ! I though you said glamour !”

As I grow older I find three things I have trouble remembering.
1)faces 2) names 3) I can’t remember what the third one is !

The dog boasted. “My dog is a very smart. Every morning runs and brings me the newspaper.”
“What is so smart about that ?”
“They are the newspapers of the neighbours.”