“Mummy, the teacher was asking me today if I have any brothers and sisters who will be coming to School?”

“That’s nice of her to take such an interest, dear, what did she say when you told her you are an only child ?”

“She just said ‘ Thank Goodness!”

When a lady teacher who had been at the local school in  a small town, for more than 30 years,  retired, a big party was given in her honour.

Afterwards, a former pupil offered to escort her home, but she insisted on going alone. “Mrs.Smith, aren’t you afraid to be out so late by yourself ?” he asked.

“What’s there to be afraid of ? she retorted. “I’d caned every man in this town.”

Two taxis collided in Scotland and forty Scotsmen were injured.

“I want silence in the court”, cried the stern judge.
“The next one to shout will be sent out.”
“Hurrah!” cried the prisoner in the dock.

Two men were heatedly arguing about the merits of a certain book.
Finally one of them, himself a writer, said to the other.
“No, “replied the other, nor did I ever lay an egg, but I am a better Judge of an omelet than any hen in this world.”

A doctor was surprised to find an attractive nurse holding a patient by both wrists. “You don’t have to do that to check his pulse,” he pointed out.

“I’m not,” said the girl, “I’m checking his impulse.”

Professor: “Why aren’t you taking notes of my lectures? ”
Student: “Don’t have to Sir. “I’ve got my Grand Father’s notes.”

Wife of a photographer to Visitor: “Sorry, he isn’t in. He went to shoot the Governor.”

A professor tried to ring up the college but got a wrong number.
Professor: Is that the College?
Voice at the other end: No, Sir, this is an insane asylum.
Professor: Not much difference, is there?

Guilty or not guilty. ?” thundered the Judge.
“Don’t know,” said the prisoner meekly. “I haven’t heard the evidence get.”